Check Yourself at the Door...

I think every so often in one's life the Lord forces you to truly re-examine yourself, your direction and where you fit in His ultimate plan. He challenges your dreams, your identity and ultimately all that you THINK that you are. He makes you fight for it. Sometimes this re-examination takes place during a huge catastrophic event. Sometimes, like in my case,it comes in the building and accumulation of things put off, not truly dealt with or processed. Things that you try to wipe from your mind, often saying, "it doesn't really matter," or simply "I don't know," or "I don't understand." It's as if someone is standing behind you- perhaps a member of the 1/3 cast out- simply holding each one for you. They know you will have to deal with these again. You cannot simply cast-off these issues and events. I picture them standing next you. It appears as though they are graciously taking these "problems" from you like a host takes your coat at a party. Only they don't hang them up. They keep them and an undetermined point heap them all back on you at once.

Yesterday in sacrament meeting our Stake President talked of Moses being confronted by Satan. He talked of Moses resisting his temptations not just once, twice. It was the third time Satan came that Moses trembled. I told a couple of my friends lately- this is how my "heaping" has felt. I have withstood many of my "issues" not once, not just twice- in some cases it's been even more and yet now, I've trembled. That's all it takes. The host next to you shoves all of the other issues back on you. I've been trying to decide who it is I am- remembering a quote I heard that we are here on earth to determine what kind of people we are (thanks, Dad).

What kind of person do I want to be? I now realize that this isn't an all-sweeping question. It doesn't cover the rest of your life like the question: What do you want to be when you grow up? This is a question that has to be re asked EVERYDAY, EVERY HOUR, and remain in your conscience at all times. All that you do will direct you, project you in a new light, a new direction. When we deviate from the direction of our ultimate goal- we must pay the price to right ourselves again. Just as when you get lost when driving or hiking or whatever. It's not just the inconvenience of not being at your destination when you wanted, it's also determining where you are in relation to your goal and then plotting a course back. It's work. It takes dedicating oneself to a higher purpose and sticking to it.

You can feel suffocated. You can feel betrayed. You can take pity on yourself and think that it is all too much. Most often, I just feel disappointed. I feel disappointed that I know better. I know my Heavenly Father expects more from me. Taking a step back and applying the testimony that we already have, then re-identifying the ending goal, repenting and finally REALLY fixing the things that have detoured me are all part of the plan I have to rededicate me to the purpose that IS ME. Those things, along with tender mercies and with unexpected angels allow for one to correctly redefine what kind of person one wants to be.

When you stand for nothing you'll fall for anything. I'm finding my stand...how about you?